- Cereals with marshmallows in them are part of a balanced breakfast. Of course, it’s the unhealthy, sugary part. Consequently, that’s the best part. Therefore that’s the saddest part.
- My smartphone is smarter than I am. It always knows where it is. It knows how to multitask. When it doesn’t have enough energy, it flatly refuses to even wake up. Fucking smart.
- Two peas in a pod. Two peanuts in a shell. PEAnuts. Did it really take me so long to figure that one out?
- Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you’ve never been hurt, even though you have, and loving like you haven’t is what caused you to get hurt last time, but HEY… you go ahead and try it again because it’s totally gonna work this time for sure. I mean what’s the worst that could happen? A broken heart? Again? Meh.
- What’s worse than the cold realization that you need to switch from XXL to 3XL? Some days, nothing.
- It’s hard for me to talk about the Panama Canal with a straight face. Canal is too close to anal, so it becomes “Panama, see Anal.”
- If anyone remembers the days when the sky was yellow, and clouds were city-sized cockroaches intent on eating the purple sun, they should lay off the acid a bit.s
- The day I heard the sound of the color orange was the day sanity and I broke up.