Li’l Jesus

I comic I made several years ago.

Jesus: The Early Years

Short Short Story – 1/28/12

 OOPS…

You people make me sick! I mean it. If ever there was a group of people so pathetic as to make a man break his jaw rather than speak to them, it is YOU! How your kind could ever survive without daily bludgeoning is beyond me. If it were up to me you would all somehow become dead before leaving this room; slowly, excruciatingly dispatched in a manner that makes continental drift seem like a brisk pace. Mind you, while this is happening, I will smile and grope my biblical erection.

Honestly, of all the depraved and unconscionable things a person could do you people have taken the cake and, sickeningly, eaten it too! What’s this?!? Do I hear a sniffle? Two sniffles? Come on now, I expected more from you. Considering why you’re here I would have thought it would take more to bring you to tears. Like, perhaps, visiting a righteous and unparalleled act of mutilating violence upon your collective genitals, to such a degree that God himself would wonder why he even created such a thing as genitals in the first place! Perhaps then you will have the vaguest idea of what it feels like to be a victim of child molestation!!!

 

…….what?

This isn’t the lecture to convicted child-rapists?

Then where the hell am I?      …oh

Uhh, hello. Well, my name is Simon, and I am an alcoholic. Tomorrow I’ll have 281 days. Thank you.

Short short story – 1/27/12

Good Cop…

“Close the door. Sit down. Put your hands on the table. We have some questions for you. You will answer them quickly, you will answer them plainly. Do not embellish, do not digress. Keep your hands on the table.”

“Did you kill him yourself, or did you have help? Answer the question. Alone or assisted? Loud and clear now, you are being recorded! Oh stop that bloody simpering and answer. We have the body. Downstairs, right now, we have the body as well as your car. You stuffed him in the boot, dead as Caesar, then you passed out drunk on the back roads with the engine running. You’re done. It’s sorted. All that’s left is for you to say the soddin’ words. Give it up, lad. Answer the question, and keep your hands on the table.”

“Stop the recorder.”

“Right, then. I know you’re clean, lad. I put that bloke in the boot myself, after I took me hatchet to his back-brain. But now, you’re gonna confess. You’ll admit you did it alone, then beg forgiveness and mercy and all that shite. If you don’t; I’ll rape your sister and cripple your Dad. Now, keep your hands on the table, because I’m gonna shoot you through both of them in four seconds. Three. Two…..what? Alright. Alright, lad. Well done.”

“Start the tape again.”

“Were you alone?  Good lad.”

“You can put your hands down now.”

It’s uncanny!

New T-shirt design!

Most Useful Shirt Ever!

This was in my food!

So I’m at work, and there is a party going on with fancy food. They flag me down and offer some of the food to me. Marinated duck. It looks wonderful and smells tremendous. I try a piece during my lunch break and that is when I deduce that the duck was not store bought. They killed this animal themselves. How do I know? Because I bit down on these…..

Real BattleToads

Star Wars Paternity Test

Every Time I Close My Eyes

I imagine these being Andy Rooney’s final words.

In my defense, I made this the day after he died, but posted it somewhere else.  Now it is here too.

That sounds way more ghoulish than it did in my head.

A short little story

FIRST SIGHT

He put down his binoculars and sighed. He knew for a fact, in his heart, that he could be happy with that woman for the rest of his life. The spark in her eyes, the flash of her smile, the flow of her body’s curves made up absolute beauty. She was all he ever wanted. In his own apartment complex, no less. All he had to do was walk downstairs, across the parking lot, and knock on her door. Then he would be happy, forever.

He thought about that for a while. What would he say? “Hi, I’m sorry to bother you, but I think you’re beautiful.” “This is going to sound odd, but would you like to go out to dinner?” “I’ve been watching you all day from my window. Are you busy tonight?” He thought about their date. He thought about after their date. He thought for a while. When he was done he grabbed his binoculars again and looked at his soon-to-be love.

She was clothing the curtains. There was a man in the apartment with her.

So he put away his binoculars and his lotion, threw away his tissues, and crawled  into bed, gathering the sheets around him.

It was alright. He’d fall in love again tomorrow.